Happy birthday my kopi kia

I still remember the first time i see you. You were scratching the panel when i go close to you. You're so active you caught me attention. I swear that moment i want to bring you back home. One day when i came back from school, you were under the sofa sleeping. Mummy surprised me with you. I woke you up and start playing with you. You were so small, i grabbed you up with only one of my hand. You ignored me and i put you back to sleep. I keep trying to get your attention but i failed to. Slowly and slowly we became closer. I still remember how you fell off my hand, you keep crying. I was so scared and guilty. I'm really scared when i see the way you walk.

The day before you passed away. You keep coming near to me, hinting me something but i was so too stupid. I lie to you and tell you that i will be back home early to accompany you. By the time i reach home, you were asleep so i didnt care much till the next day, 8am plus in the morning. You were "crying" and "screaming" in the living room because you are in pain. I really thank god that you woke me up because i managed to see you for the last time. At least you are not in pain anymore. I'm really glad to have you in my life. You're the damn best thing, i love you so much my favorite thing, Kopi.

Valentine? More like any other tuesday. Not to forget that its Kopi's birthday. Time flies, its almost 2 years. Its already 7 years old if its still alive. I dont know why, i still tear whenever i think of it. I'm someone who dont really know how to let go. I thought i'm strong. I thought by keeping everything to myself and enduring the pain is strong. Well, looks like i'm wrong, so wrong. Sometimes i do stop and think, wondering how long more can i take it. Its not okay to be weak and i really loathe the fact that i breakdown at times and start sobbing in front of my friend. To me, its just plain useless and weak. There's no reasons for me to be like this. If i can let go of someone who mean the whole universe to me there's really no reasons why i am acting like this now. I'm a fool in love, i'm a total idiot to it. I'm really bad at handling it. I dont deserve anyone, i'm better off alone. Love should be a happy thing but what on earth is happening recently? Everything is getting fucked up, so am i. No one can prove to me that they are the only one for me either. Liars, i cant counter them anymore. My life just keep going down. Nothing excited, nothing makes me stay anymore. Sometimes, i think suicidal is not really a bad idea. Trust me, if one day i were to get depression i wont be surprised. I may look all hyped up in the morning/afternoon but i'm a weakling at night. How many more times must i hide under my blanket, cry non stop before i turn in?